Inaccurate Legends
by Midnakdak
Summary: Proof that the Nasuverse can be a very silly place. Rather than the normal summons, characters from Monty Python's Holy Grail are summoned. This is unabashedly a work of crack, check your sanity at the door.
1. Chapter 1

A/N I figured I would throw this Crack story up on as well.

Chapter 1

Two men leveled their swords at each other. Despite their previous exchange of blows, neither showed any sign of fatigue. Each was still sizing up his opponent; measuring their fighting capacity. Gripping his longsword with both hands, the first of the fighters grinned. "What kind of archer uses swords?" His voice was cheery, thoroughly enjoying the life or death combat.

Quirking an eyebrow, the man in red shifted his twin swords slightly. "Says the Lancer using a sword." Archer took no joy in the fighting, he was only doing what was necessary. Sensing a phantom of a weakness, Archer dashed forward. Strike after strike rang out across the school grounds as blade met blade. Yet despite his efforts, Archer was unable to even scratch his opponents griffon heralding. Truly, this was another man skilled with a blade. Fighting another heroic spirit was challenging if nothing else.

Taking steady breaths, Archer studied his opponent. Yet his opponent wasn't returning the favor, the Lancer was looking beyond, to Rin. _He plans to attack Rin? I had taken this heroic spirit for a man bound by honor. This could be trouble._

Yet the broad, extremely joyous smile that crosses Lancer's face was not a sadistic smirk. It was pure and innocent joy. "Ah ha! I knew it, you fiend! Kidnapping a fair maiden! Fear not gentle woman of the east, I shall save you from this dastardly villain!"

Archer took an involuntary step back. _Does… Does he not realize Rin is my master?_ _What kind of idiot-_ Archer's train of thought was crushed as Lancer renewed his assault with ten times his previous ferocity. Where before the stalemate had been each opponent testing the other; now Archer was barely surviving the onslaught. Each blow was barely deflect, barely avoid. Fake noble phantasm after fake broke and was remade. This was impossible, there was no way this man could be this far above him. _This could only be- _Archer realized a moment to late as he was thrown to his back. A blade pressed against his throat, ready to finish the deed. "Wait!" Archer's voice gave the man pause. Long enough for Archer's plan to enact. "I'm not the one who kidnapped her, it was him!" It was the oldest trick in the book, but it worked. Lancer turned his head to look where Archer had pointed. Yet, to the varying surprise of all three participants of the Holy Grail War, a figure was standing where Archer was pointing.

In that moment, Shiro barely managed not to soil himself.

*******************************************************************

Shiro suspected his heart was not going to get mysteriously healed a second time if this lunatic managed to stab him again. The reinforced paper sword Shiro had created in desperation was crushed by a swing of the man known as Lancer. "Ha ha! All great villains cling to life! I'll beat you in your second form as well you demon! Ha ha!" The next blow sent Shiro flying through the wall and into his workshop. Barely able to stand, he saw the rampaging Lancer pause for a moment at the makeshift entrance Shiro's projectile body had made. Shaking his head, Lancer turned and walked over to the closed door of the shed. "Ha ha!" He shouted, dramatically bursting through the door. Then the Lancer frowned. "That didn't feel right." Looking around, he exited and made for a window.

_Why do I have to be killed by this lunatic!_ Shiro anguished. Then, yet another thing Shiro didn't expect happened. Light, pure and beautiful filled the room.

As the light cleared, Shiro could make out a figure. Blue eyed and blonde of hair, the woman stood clad in beautiful armor. "I ask of you, are you my Master?" Wait, what?

"Ha ha!" Lancer jumped through a window, shattering glass in the most dramatic of fashions. "Now it is time to meet your true end fiend!"

"Lancelot, what are you doing?" The woman's voice was annoyed, like one dealing with a child caught doing something wrong.

Recognition filled Lancer's, Lancelot's, face, "My liege?" Following the woman's gaze, he looked behind him to the destroyed house. Nearly every entry way shattered from dramatic entrances. A busted pipe spewed water into the kitchen and a massive hole was punched through the roof. Getting a bit nervous, Lancelot defended himself. "B-but my liege, he is a villain. He is holding a fair maiden hostage!"

Wit a quirked eyebrow, the woman glanced over at Shiro, still confused and very much exhausted. "What is going on?!" He cried out, completely confused .

Pinching the bridge of her nose, the woman let out a sigh. "You did it again Lancelot… How many did you kill this time?" God, she had thought she was done with this.

Shuffling his feet, Lancelot defended himself, "I didn't kill anyone yet. I didn't!"

Nodding, the woman seemed relieved. "Well that's good then. You're getting better." Lancelot beamed at the praise from his Liege. "Still, you may be the bravest and most daring knight I've met, but you must learn to control that bravery of yours." The words were practiced. She had spoken them many times. "Regardless, I'll forgive you this time."

Beaming all the more, Lancelot boomed, "Thank you my liege. Your wisdom is ever the greatest in the land." Looking his king over, he continued to speak praise, "And I must say, you look very pretty shaved. Almost like…" He trailed off, slowly putting two and two together.

All of a sudden the noble air left the woman and her voice dropped several octaves. "I don't know what you are talking about fellow male." Ripping off her ahoge she placed it on her upper lip. "I still have my mustache!" Beads of sweat formed on the woman's forehead under the scrutiny of Lancelot.

A moment thick with tension passed. Then, eliciting a suppressed sigh from the woman, Lancelot smiled. "Right, how could I have missed that. Now if you'll excuse me my Liege, I must return to my master. His intelligence about fair maidens was false and he must be informed before he too makes a grave mistake."

When the man darted off, Shiro let out the breath he hadn't known he was holding. Thankful eyes fell upon the woman. With careful precision, she replaced her ahoge upon her head and turned to answer the unasked question. "We need to talk." Shiro would have been all for this idea if not for the tense look that immedatelly came over the woman's face. "Enemies!"

Before Shiro could hope to stop her she darted off. Without thought, Shiro followed. half out of confusion and half out of worry for the woman. Yet that worry proved misplaced as Shiro rounded the corner of his wall to find her bisecting the man in red, Archer. Then, without missing a beat, the woman rounded on the other figure. Tohsaka Rin."Wait! Stop!" Shiro pleaded with all his heart.

His hand glowed.

**********************************************************************

A/N: Lancelot fulfills the Lancer role by having lance in his name. Deal with it.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Shiro stepped out of the church with conviction in his heart. In thanks for saving her life, Tohsaka had explained the Holy Grail War to him as best she could, and then brought him to a church to learn more. Kotomine the priest had explained the rest and offered Shiro a way out. One he decided not to take. If this was a war, he would protect those unable to protect themselves.

The servant Shiro had apparently summoned joined him. "Saber," he spoke her class name, "I'm a really unreliable master. I'll be depending on you." Hypocritical yes, but also a heartfelt apology. The woman smiled, approving of the sentiment.

"This is where we part ways." Tohsaka broke in. "We'll be enemies next time we meet-" She had planned a rather well prepared speech, but stopped when Shiro raised his hand like some sort of grade-schooler.

Hand still raised, Shiro spoke with as much tact as he could, "Ummm… Didn't Saber kill your servant? Why would we still be enemies?" Tohsaka seemed like a nice person, he really didn't want to fight her.

Mouth pursing, Tohsaka turned away, "M-moron, my servant didn't die." Yet as she thought, she too remembered him being split in two; though the memory was hazy.

"I'm not dead yet." Archer spoke, materializing. He did look a little worse for the wear, but in fighting shape. The remnants of his pride would not allow him to be dismissed as dead. _I'll just go for a walk_, he thought, _that'll show them._

Before Archer could prove his health, another voice joined the group. "Hello, Onii-chan." Sweet, with a hidden edge, the voice set Tohsaka's hair on edge. The girl that stood at the end of the road curtsied to the group. "I am Ilyasviel von Einzbern, but you can call me Ilya, Onii-chan."

Not sensing the danger, Shiro stepped forward, worried for a girl to be out so late. "Shiro." Tohsaka's stern voice warned him. "That girl is another master." Another master? This little girl?

Before Shiro could speak up, Ilya confirmed it. "That's right, and there is something I'm looking forward to more than the grail. Taking Onni-chan's life." She said it so easily that Shiro was at a loss for words. Did he know this girl? Had he wronged her? As his thoughts did summersaults, the girl bent her knees and reached to the ground. There, previously hidden by her skirt, stood a white rabbit. With careful love she began to pet the bunny.

"Shiro!" Pure, unadulterated fear filled Saber's voice. Stepping in front of him, she held out an invisible sword. "Stay back, that monster is not a foe we can hope to defeat." Shiro, Rin and Archer all turned to the sword maiden.

"What, behind the rabbit?" Archer was the fist to recover.

Rounding on Archer, Saber nearly shouted as her composure broke. "It _is_ the rabbit you fool!" The fearful sweat on Saber's brow glistened in the moonlight.

Archer was not impressed. "Are you an idiot?" He looked again at the passively smiling Master and her rabbit. "It's just a rabbit." He gestured his hand to what was probably the most unimposing thing he had ever seen.

Saber shook her head, "That rabbit has a mean streak a mile long! It's the most ill-tempered, vile-" She stopped at the three blank glares she was getting. Raising one free hand, she curled her fingers in front of her mouth for effect. "He's got big, sharp, pointy teeth."

Rin had had enough, "You're a loon. Archer, kill the rabbit. Watch out for the girl, she is an Einzbern after all." Rin shook her head, _And to think I wanted a Saber._

Despite Saber's warning, Archer conjured his swords and strode toward the rabbit. "Right then, time to die rabbit." Wounded he may be, but to be afraid of a Rabbit? Really, that woman had even less pride than himself.

Ilya's passive smile grew devious. "Berserker, kill them." Like a bolt of white lightning, the rabbit lunged. Faster than any man could raise his defense, it found Archer's neck and bit his head clean off.

"Jesus Christ!" Rin shouted as the head of her servant went flying. The shock on Archer's face mirroring Rin's own. Like a puppet with its strings cut, Archer's body crumple to the floor.

Saber, still shaking in her greaves, was quick to interject. "I warned you! I warned you! But nooooo, no one listens." Sadly, she didn't have time for any more I told you so's as the rabbit charged. "Shiro, run away!" Her command issued, Saber made to lay down her life for her master. She was one of the few that had fought this beast and lived to tell the tale. Sadly, she had no holy hand grenade to save her this time. The best she could do was hold it off as long as possible. Strike after strike was easily dodged by the rampaging beast, yet each one served its purpose. Each strike drove the beast away from her neck and bought Shiro a little more time. Then, as one more strike was evaded, Saber saw her end. Rebounding on the ground, the rabbit lanced toward her neck.

Yet death did not come for Saber, she was shoved to the side as Shiro collided with her body. Blood spewed from his neck as the rabbit grazed him, tearing a fist sized chunk from his neck. Saber's eyes met Shiro's. Shiro was smiling. _I saved someone._

Even as Shiro left consciousness in Saber's disbelieving arms, the rabbit turned on them once more. "Berserker." Ilya's voice stopped the rabbit. "Let's go home." Her voice was sour with annoyed regret. Obedient to its master's word, the rabbit turned and hopped after her.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Rin knelt over the latest victim. The freshman lay still upon the ground, clinging to life by a thread. "What kind of magic could cause this?" She wondered, glancing up to the rest of the bodies. Every student, every teacher, all who attended the school had been struck by some strange spell cast through the loudspeakers. A single word of power had been enough to do this, had Rin not been a capable magus, she would be unconscious as well.

Exactly like Shiro. The novice magus in question was still shaking off the effects, not having the sense to protect himself in time. "We have to find whoever caused this before they finish the job." Shiro, ever single minded in his determination to help everyone but himself, offered that piece of wisdom.

A sneering chuckle alerted Shiro to Archer. "And how do you plan to do that? Get in your servant's way again?"

Rather than get angry at the spiteful servant's jest, Shiro tilted his head in confusion, "Wait, didn't you die?" Rin nearly missed a step at the idiotic question. When had her servant ever come close to…? Vague memories tried and failed to surface within her mind.

Huffing and looking away, Archer shuffled his feet. "I got better." The dejection in his voice was not well hidden.

Not wanting to deal with a possible argument between her servant and temporary ally, Rin spoke up, "Shiro, we need to head to the broadcast-" Rin was cut off as Shiro ran off like a bloodhound with a scent. "Hey, wait!" Without a thought, Rin took off after the boy, her servant close behind.

Despite the obvious location of the enemy, Shiro neglected to head for the broadcast room, instead he made a beeline for the front door. He could smell it. The stench of that magic wasn't far now. Sliding to a stop, Shiro found himself in front of the sports field. So that was it. The announcer box on the field was could be connected to the school speakers as well, clever. Shiro got no time to pat himself on the back for his deduction as pain lanced down his shoulder. A spurt of red announced the blade sticking through it.

Shiro fell as an armored boot pushed him off the blade. "Very good, but I deduced you might figure out my ruse." Shiro rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the killing blow.

Managing to reach his knees, Shiro caught sight of his attacker. A bucket helm obscured his face, but the blue and white surcoat with a white tree heralding signaled him to be a servant. Strength drained, Shiro realized he would not be dodging the next blow. The blade came for his neck, but found only steel as sword clashed against sword. Saber stood before her master, invisible blade intersecting her adversary's. The sheer fore of the blow ruffled the cloth on her armor and tossed her hair about. Her ahoge mustache flowed with manly grace… wat?

Shiro's worship like admiration was shattered when he caught sight of the ridiculously fake facial hair. "Sir Bedevere." She ground out in an artificially deep voice. "Stand down." For a hair of a moment, there was no response. Then, in a flash, Sir Bedevere broke away and jumped backwards.

Tossing the bucket helm aside, Sir Bedevere showed a grimace upon his face. "I cannot obey my liege. My allegiance belongs to another woman now."

Despite the solemn words, Saber quickly lost her cool and became flustered. Hand flying to her ahoge, she gently touched it to insure that it hadn't fallen. Assured, she spoke again, "I don't know what you are talking about fellow male. But I forgive you, I'm sure that woman you have found cause erections in all other males. Males like myself." Shiro blamed the blood loss; there was no way Saber was this insane.

Clearing his throat, Bedevere cut in. "My liege, as a fellow student of the sciences, give me some credit. We were cell mates for years." Wait, cell mates? Shiro couldn't remember any heroes that spent time in cells. Understanding the ruse was up, Saber replace her ahoge upon her head and gingerly made sure it fell into place. "I do have to ask," Sir Bedevere questioned, "Why keep such a secret from your most trusted knights? I understand the people, but me my liege?"

It was Saber's turn to clear her throat. "It was a commandment from the lord." From the embarrassed look on her face, Shiro could only guess how awkward this was for her.

The understanding 'ahh' from Sir Bedevere only served to confuse Shiro. "God _was_… odd." Bedevere commented.

"Shiro!" Rin cried out, nearly crashing into the bloodied master. "You're hurt! Idiot!" Adding insult to injury in a quite literal fashion, Rin fell to Shiro's side to administer first aid. "Archer." The terse command was all Archer needed.

Seeing the approaching servant Sir Bedevere realized the odds were now greatly against him. Taking another step back, he noted neither Saber nor Archer seemed to be backing down. Instead, both Servants began moving to either side to hound him in. "Sir Bedevere, to have mastered the word of the Ni, you summoned as a caster then?"

Smiling, Sir Bedevere shook his head. "That was just something I managed to deduce on my own, the trick is not to say 'nuu'. You should know what I was summoned as." Mana swelled within Sir Bedevere. "Come to me, COCO!" Blinding light announced the arrival of Sir Bedevere's noble phantasm.

Still shielding her eyes, Saber spat out what she should have known. "Of course, the greatest rider among my knights, of course you would have been summoned as a rider!" The terse words were aimed at her own foolishness, but the steeled Archer. Be it dragon, pegasus, or manticore, he was ready for this rider's noble phantasm. That was what he thought until the light cleared however. Rather than mounted, Sir Bedevere stood with his hands holding imaginary reigns and was flanked by a rather grimy looking squire holding two halves of a coconut. "Magnificent…" Saber's awed voice drew three looks of complete befuddlement. "Your steed is without peer, old friend." There was resignation laced with admiration in the swordswoman's voice.

Shifting back and forth under the minor steps of his 'steed,' the squire knocked the coconuts together softly. Sir Bedevere nodded respectfully. "I'm sorry to use him against you my liege." Any regret in Sir Bedevere's voice was forgotten as Archer interjected.

"ARE YOU ALL MENTAL?" Composure fully broken, the man in red held out his hands, gesturing to Bedevere. "You have just got to halves of a coconut and you're banging them together!" A bow formed in his hands. "Deranged swordsmen? I get that." Ancient sword became arrow. "Killer rodents? Sure, whatever." The arrow was drawn. "But this is the line, and you crossed it! Cala-"

"COCO!" Sir Bedevere charged faster than any man could run, let alone skip. Coconuts hammering away, the man on imaginary horse crashed into Archer with the force of a semi, launching the man in red clean through the school building. Not bothering to stop, Bedevere rode his magnificent 'Stallion' into the night, deciding that tonight was not the night to face his liege.

Rin, completely at a loss for words, looked at the whole her archer turned arrow had made. "Rin," Shiro spoke, his eyes also looking at the building, "I think Archer died again."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"**Shiro**..."

The deep voice called to Shiro, guiding his half-conscious mind through the night. Lazy steps echoed in the damp, cold air.

"**Shiro**..."

A muted, muffled voice called out unheard warnings from the back of his mind. All Shiro heard was the distant summoning.

"**Shiro**..."

As Shiro climbed the steps, his eyes raised to the parting clouds in the night sky. There, a golden light shone down, calling to him. Shiro's unworthy eyes fell upon the bearded man in the clouds on high. "Shiro, I am God. I command you to come..." The deep voice of the God of the Christians called.

"Wait, what?" Shiro stopped, senses back to him coming to him. Around him he noted he was on the steps leading to the shrine on Mount Enzou. Looking back up the comical, bearded God in the clouds, Shiro puzzled. "God, as in the God of the Christians?"

Nodding sagely, the Kingly God in the clouds spoke, "Yes. I, your God, comm-"

God stopped when Shiro raised a hand and interrupted him. "I'm Shinto."

"What?" The baffled voice of the King of Kings sounded.

Shrugging, Shiro explained. "I'm Shinto, most Japanese are. Even then, I'm not particularly religious."

God's mouth hung slightly agape. "Regardless," he spoke, regaining his holy air, "I am God of all. Now that I am before you; there can be no doubt in your mind that I am God of all. He'd my command Shiro. I have chosen you to carry out a great quest." A slight twinge of annoyance pulsed through The Almighty's forehead as Shiro raised his hand again.

Gesturing to placate the divine being's anger, Shiro spoke again. "Just because you exist doesn't mean I am going to worship you. Besides, isn't the Christian God supposed to be all powerful? Why do you need me?" Now, Shiro wasn't against a quest. He did want to be a hero after all, but this whole situation was just so honestly confusing.

Shiro half expected the God to pull a Rin and go all Tsundere from the way the vein on his forehead was throbbing. But then the great being ducked behind the clouds and a ruckus of someone rummaging through a pile of junk echoed across the town. Then, instead of God, a Shrine Gate was raised into view. "Shiro! I am the God of the Shinto."

"Are you even trying?" Shiro chastised exasperated, a bead of sweat dropping down his face. "Shinto don't worship shrine gates!" _Guess Omniscient is off the table as well. _Hand rising to his chin, Shiro began to get suspicious. There was something very fishy about this 'God.'

A set of hurried footsteps alerted Shiro to another. "Shiro!" Saber's stressed but relieved voice called out as she charged up the stairs, ahoge mustache disguise firmly in place. "Are you all righ-" Saber stopped mid-sentence and took a knee. "My Lord." She spoke with reverence and absolute obedience.

"Arthur, King of the Britons." God commanded_. _"Your Master refuses to hear my word and denounces me." Saber's eyes flew to her lord, then to Shiro, looking at him as if he had struck her. "I command you Arthur, make him bend knee to me in apology. He will grovel or his life is forfeit."

For an instant, Shiro saw the piety of his servant battle within herself. Loyalty to her Lord and Master fought against one another within her soul. Then, eyes narrowing, she gained clarity. Rising to her feet, she glared to the image in the clouds. "The Lord _hates_ groveling!" She called out, pointing her hidden sword in accusation.

"Eh?" Shiro and God uttered in bafflement.

Saber, not one to be deterred, pressed her accusation, "He told me he hated groveling and apologies! The psalms as well! Who are you who dares impersonate my Lord!"

One beat, then another. It became apparent that the (false) God in the sky was out of ideas. "Screw it. Assassin! Plan B!" The Lord yelled in a strangely feminine voice.

The only warning Shiro had was the tug of a hand on his shirt before he was launched upward and toward the Shrine, Sabers surprised yell of warning quickly left behind.

************************************************************************

It was the form that had thrown her master that stopped Saber's pursuit. Sword before her, she studied the man who impeded her path. She knew this man. From his chain coif to his grey armor, dulled from a thousand battles. No man had ever bested him in swordsmanship. No enemy had ever survived his blade. She knew this man. She knew his legacy. It would not stop her from protecting Shiro. "Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film. Stand aside." The man turned to face her, his disarmingly young face belying his danger.

A sinister smirk destroyed the usual baby like innocence of the man's young features. "Oh? You would command me Arthur?" The deep, manly, resonating voice contained a spiteful glee within it.

Wincing, Saber tried once more to reason with her knight. She had no desire to strike a former comrade down. "I know you may have a new master. But I have no desire to fight with you. As my former knight-"

The deep laugh that cut her off resonated within Saber's chest. "Foolish King." The spiteful knight jeered. "You have no idea do you? I was never your knight!" Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film's eyes widened with mad glee. "Has it not occurred to you? How was I summoned as an Assassin?" A twinge of fear flitted in Saber's heart. "You never figured it out did you? Figured out who framed you?" The words dropped upon Saber like a ton of bricks. The murder. The historian. Had Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film... had he? "YES! It was me Saber! I condemned you to that prison!"

The rippling laughter filled the forest was only drowned out when Saber unleashed a howl of rage. Charging forward, she brought her sword upon the man who had framed her. Who had stopped her quest. Who had condemned her and Bedevere to life (minus parole) in that hellhole. Sword upon sword clashed and the echo of steel on steel was immediately muffled by the roars of anger and sinister laughter.

Again and again, sword clashed on sword. The ringing metal was the percussion in the duo's dance of death. Their anger and glee fulfilling the rest of the orchestral ambiance. Yet a cut here, a nick there. Saber was losing. Her anger clouded her mind, and Assassin capitalized on every mistake. If something didn't change, she would die.

***************************************************************************

Shiro landed in an open courtyard soundly upon his rump. "Oww..." He ground out as he got up, rubbing his damaged posterior.

"Boy." A confident voice snapped Shiro's head to the side. There, looking down her nose at him stood a woman. Wait... scratch that. Looking down her reeaaaallly long, really fake carrot nose stood a woman. "I'll be taking those command seals."

"Are you serious?" Shiro said, completely exasperated. Carrot nosed woman here, fake god in the sky, and who knows just what the hell was back with Saber. These 'heroes of old' were turning out to be a pile of crazy people. _Powerful_, crazy people; but crazy none the less.

Not realizing the exact meaning of his statement, the woman smirked. "Of course, I'll start my revenge with Archer, then move on to the other." The evil glee in her voice was far more real than her nose.

Shiro placed his palm upon his face, or tried to. He... he couldn't move! Slow as he was, Shiro was still able to figure out he had been bound magically. The woman stepped closer, her hand reaching out to the seal that bound Shiro to Saber.

The whistling of countless swords cutting through the air drove the woman to beat a hasty retreat. Numerous blades impacted all around Shiro, kicking up a cloud of dust. Moments later, that dust settled revealing the red image of Archer. Looking over his shoulder, he smirked smugly at Shiro, "Tisk, Rin would kill me if I let Caster kill-"

"Zap." Caster interrupted, pointing her finger at Archer. Without any flash or fanfare, Archer was gone. In his place, a tiny newt in a newt-sized red coat hovered for just a moment. Then gravity realized there was something ignoring it and kicked in, causing the little newt to fall to the ground.

"Eh?" Shiro stuttered as the woman walked up, picked the struggling newt up by the tail and inspected it. Frowning, she shook her head and flicked the newt off into the night. It wouldn't be a bother any more.

"Now, where were me?" Shiro didn't like the woman's smirk as she turned to him.

*********************************************************************

Saber would die. Even as she reclaimed her mind from her anger, she knew it was too late. She had taken countless shallow cuts in her foolish rage, and Assassin had capitalized. Her blows had grown sluggish and her movements had slowed with the loss of blood. It was a perfectly executed plan. Anger her, and then injure her enough while she was angered to remove the option to use Excalibur. As weak as she was, there was no way she could summon the strength to use her noble phantasm. Yet, even with this knowledge, she would not give up. She would fight to the end. If there was even a sliver of hope, she would save Shiro.

Launching another strike, Saber felt her sword swatted away by Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film. He was toying with her now. Another chuckle escaped the fiend as she stumbled away. "Arthur, King of the Fools. Never recognizing me as a traitor rushing into battle full of rage. Men like you are so easy to manipulate." Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film strode forward. The clash of sound on sword sounded once, twice, then a third. In desperation, Saber struck. With fluid grace, Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film parried and kicked Saber away, knocking the King on her back. "It's over Saber." Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film raised his sword above his head to deliver the killing blow.

Then a newt landed on Saber's face.

A newt in a rather charming red coat.

"Wat." The two nights of old said in absolute, spelling-forgetting confusion.

Then the newt took stock of the situation and locked eyes with Assassin. Then countless swords materialized; hovering in the air. Assassin did not get the chance to repeat his failure of proper spelling as blade after blade swarmed toward him. No longer in control of the situation, Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film was hard pressed to deflect blade after blade as he gave more and more ground.

Saber could not believe her eyes. She was saved in the most unlikely of ways. She could only hope Shiro was having this much luck.

***********************************************************

Shiro was indeed having quite a bit of luck as once again Caster was interrupted at the last second. This time not by swords, but by a sword. Singular. Jumping back to avoid the blade, Caster shouted in hatred. "You!"

While before Shiro had been completely surprised at his rescue, the second time had a lesser impact. Pulling the grating up from his helmet Sir Bedevere studied Shiro. "Are you alright Sir 'Shiro-Senpai'?" Quirking an eyebrow, Sir Bedevere shook his head and muttered something. "Very well then, we'd best be off. "He motioned behind him to... nothing, save maybe for a grimy looking squire holding coconuts. Oh... the imaginary mount. Shiro held back an exasperated sigh.

"Don't ignore me BEDEVERE!" Caster called out in hatred, drawing the eyes of her foes. "I have waited for this day! The day I would get my revenge against you and Arthur! If it wasn't for you, my witchcraft would never have been revealed!"

"Beg your pardon?" Bedevere leaned forward and studied the woman. "Ah! The duck woman!"

"I'm a wi- Oh never mind! Zap!"

"Ni!"

The two words of power clashed in a torrent of mana. Power surged between the two, ripping ribbons into the ground and making the very air itself cry in agony. Then, with a great bang, the power exploded. The sheer amount of dirt kicked up by the clash clouded the area. "Hurry lad, we'd best retreat. I cannot match a witch in her place of power long." Once again Bedevere motioned toward the nonexistent steed behind him.

Shrugging apologetically, Shiro tried to explain. "I'm thankful for your help. But I'm telling you. There is nothing there."

Rather than get an argument, Bedevere rolled his eyes. Then knocked Shiro upside the head with the pommel of his sword, knocking the boy clean out. "Easier this way. Sorry, there just isn't time to explain now."

**********************************************************************************

Saber watched as Archer-Newt and Assassin fought. Blade after blade hammered into Assassin's defense. A literal sea of blades littered the steps. Some fading, others remaining to hamper Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film's footwork. With each passing moment, Archer-Newt's blades came closer to their mark. However, the newt's prana was not endless, Saber knew. Which would fail first, Archer-Newt's Prana, or Assassin's defense?

Then Shiro landed in Saber's lap. "Eh?" She uttered in surprise, looking up to see the fading form of Rider atop Coco. Smiling at the thought of a true comrade, Saber slung Shiro over her shoulder. She may be too injured to fight, but she wasn't completely out of options. With a quick swipe she grabbed Archer-Newt. "We're retreating." She spoke the warning once.

"RUN AWAY!" She shouted, turning tail and sprinting away with Shiro flopping around over her shoulder and Archer-Newt clutched firmly in hand.

*************************************************************************

It was much later Saber sat recovering from her wounds alone that she fought internally over the revelation of Sir Not-Appearing-in-this-film. A traitor and she never even knew. It was humiliating. She grit her teeth and swallowed any tears. "Saber." Shiro spoke, startling her. His hand was on her shoulder. Saber's heart eased at the kindness of her Master. Though he knew not why she suffered; his gentle wisdom knew she did, and thus he sought to comfort her. "Don't worry about those wounds. I prepared an old remedy that'll get you up and running in no time!" The cheer in his voice shattered the image of gentle wisdom. Sabers head jolted to look at her master and the remedy he held in his hand.

"Charred newt!"


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Archer carefully clipped of another strand of singed hair with a pair of traced scissors. Checking the mirror once more, he let out a sigh of relief. With that last cut, his job was finished. He even managed to keep his hair styled as he liked it to boot. "Giiiiii~" The sound of suspicious drew his attention to his master. Rin's head was visible around the edge of the door frame as she studied him. "Giiiii~"

Giving Rin his best smile, Archer played dumb. "Can I help you Rin?" A slight hint of sarcasm in his tone accompanied his shrug.

Undeterred, Rin spoke, "Did you die again?" Her piercing gaze sought any flaw in her servant's charade. She had been informed about what had happened at the shrine, yet she heard no mention of her servant dying. Not even a vague memory of it.

Taking a step back as if struck, Archer replied in his defense, "Me? Die?" His incredulous tone did little to support his statement, "I don't know what you are talking about." He hoped Rin didn't notice the bead of sweat running down his brow. "Now, you should get to bed, its running late." Then, just as he was finishing the barrier around the Emiya residence was broken. "Rin, did you-"

"I felt it." Rin confirmed, forgetting her suspicious. In unison, the two raced to where they knew the intruder would head. Slamming the door aside, Rin was greeted with a dangerous scene. "Shiro!" She cried in alarm. The boy in question was standing opposite Caster, staring at what the witch held. An unconscious Taiga, oblivious to the danger around her.

A smirk splayed out beneath the carrot on caster's face. As she looked between Saber and Shiro. "I just thought of the perfect revenge." Her free hand pointed toward Shiro, "Zap."

In a blur, a shape jumped in front of Shiro at the last second. For an instant Shiro's eyes locked onto Saber's back. Then the instant passed and he was staring at an armored blue newt. "Saber!" He cried in desperation and surprise. His hands reached out to catch the falling lizard, only for an invisible force to whip Saber-Newt back toward Caster.

Caster's grin only widened. "Of course I knew you would be able to dodge Saber. So I just made sure you dodged where I wanted you to. Now, for the rest." Her hand pointed toward Rin. "Zap!" A great flash heralded the release of power, and a strange metal newt fell before Rin. "What?" Caster replied in shock.

It was Archer's turn to smirk. "You use that trick too often. Now that I've seen how it works, I know all I need to do is put something between you and your target." A hundred swords filled the space between Caster and Rin.

"Tch!" Caster spat, realizing she was in danger. "You haven't seen the last of me!" The first sword pierced her, though rather than blood, her body fell apart in chunks. Each blob of caster forming into a duck that quickly flew away into the night.

"Wait... What?" Rin was the first to speak. As a magus she tended to look up to the Caster class. They were basically the greatest magus' ever to exist. Yet, why did this one choose to learn DUCK magic?! "Seriously! Ducks?!"

A hand on Rin's shoulder drew her attention back from her fuming. "We need to go after Saber." Shiro's serious eyes belied his worry for his servant.

Rin nodded and turned to Archer. "Of course. Going after Caster while the advantage is ours only makes sense right?"

**************************************************************************

Once again steps echoed in the night as the three raced up the stairs leading to Caster's base. Rin could see Shiro to her right, but she kept her eyes forward and senses alert. Then a fourth form joined them, his blade inches from Rin's neck. The ring of metal on metal rang out as Archer batted away Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film's blade. "Rin! Go!" With a nod of confirmation, Rin charged ahead, leaving her servant behind to deal with Assassin.

The echo of sword on sword assured Rin that her Servant wasn't about to die immediately. Skidding to a stop at the top of the stairs alongside Shiro, Rin laid her eyes on her adversary. Caster was sitting in the middle of the courtyard surrounded by foliage, Saber-Newt suspended before her by vines. Whatever ritual she was preforming, it couldn't be good. Rin's eyes narrowed at the vines that had overrun the temple buildings and the dense grass that had sprung up everywhere. "She's a pagan witch." She explained to Shiro, knowing the novice to have no idea what was going on. "She draws her power from nature."

The boy in question stepped forward, his bokken at the ready. A wave of Caster's hand put an end to that idea as the wooden sword morphed into a snake. "Agh! What!" Shiro stumbled backward as the viper coiled around his arm.

Any inclination Rin had to help Shiro was silenced when Caster uttered her word of power. "Zap!" Rin jumped instinctively to the side and Shiro just kept running around in a panic as his sword turned snake kept trying to bite him.

Crying out as he blocked yet another snake bite, Shiro yelled in frustration. "What the hell! I'm not gonna die to this! I'm not Archer!"

A bead of sweat ran down Rin's brow as her only backup became more and more a comical embarrassment. Still, she could do this on her own. Mind focused, Rin charged forward. "Zap." A step right. "Zap!" A roll left. "Zap!" Leaping far over the word of power, Rin's hand shown with the power of the gem clenched within.

"HA!" She cried, launching a torrent of magical energy downward. Foliage sprang to life around the woman and lanced upward like a sea of lances. Foliage met magic in a clash of power. Rin did not stop however; she continued her arc straight into the cloud of debris and landed before caster in the smoke. Fist clenched, once more light signaled the power of the gem within. This was it!

Then a hand grabbed Rin's wrist. Turning in surprise, she locked eyes with an unknown man. Caster's Master! She realized her folly as the man's other fist impacted her side, launching her away. Her cry of pain turned to fear when she landed on her back as rather than the sky above her, she saw only Caster's Master, launching a strike downward to take her life.

The blow did not come though. This time it was the man's turn to be launched back by an unknown force. Barely bringing up his arms to block in time, a blur impacted the man and sent him skidding away. Staring up in disbelief, Rin gaped at Shiro standing over her and the weapon in his hand. A rather surprised looking snake stood ridged lengthwise, practically glowing from the mana reinforcing it into a solid, improvised sword. "Wait, what?" Rin uttered, completely flabbergasted by the sight.

"Snake-Sword." Shiro smiled and gave Rin a thumbs-up with his free hand.

_Oh God_. Rin realized. Shiro was becoming as crazy as everyone else! Struggling to her feet, Rin was unable to thank Shiro for being saved in such a ridiculous fashion. "J-just take care of Caster's Master." She ground out, thoroughly embarrassed.

With a nod, Shiro charged forward to meet Kuzuki-Sensei. Snake-sword met fist in a martial dance of death. Surprisingly, the snake-sword was holding up far better than Shiro would even think his bokken would. Alternative weapons did have their place apparently. "Kuzuki-Sensei. Why are you with Caster?" It wasn't so much an accusation, as Shiro truly wished not to think of his Sensei as an enemy.

Scratching his nose, Kuzuki-Sensei coughed. "Carrots are cute..."

"Eh?" Shiro stuttered. T-that was something. Shaking his head, Shiro decided to accept the explanation as the fist lancing toward his shoulder was a bit more pressing. With a parry and a step, Shiro launched his own strike.

Kuzuki-Sensei narrowly avoided a thrust of the Snake-Sword. Poison gleamed off the Snake-Sword's fangs as it opened to take a bite of the man. Then he stepped in and launched a jab at Shiro's face, only for the Snake-Sword to bend sideways and block the blow. Skidding back a few feet, Shiro locked eyes with his Snake-Sword in surprise. A grin of comradeship greeted him. "Snake-Sword!" he cried, manly tears in his eyes.

"Aye, Partna!" The snake sword replied; its Scottish accent thick, "Lets dae thes!"

****************************************************************************

Rin mutely pretended not to notice Shiro talk to himself. And kept her attention on closing the distance between her and Caster. The woman, no longer underestimating Rin, used the foliage to constantly grab and try to pin down Rin. With every step she had to dodge the foliage around her, grabbing to pin her down. All the while Caster continued to unleash her word of power. However, this would not stop Rin. Something drove her to win. It wasn't her pride as a magus. Nor was it her desire to survive. No, the all-consuming drive that forced her to win was the realization that she was the last sane one left. Sanity had to prevail over this insanity!

Once again, Rin jumped forward and danced into Caster's guard. This time surely! Instinct screamed at Rin and she headed it, jumping backward and away from the blade that passed through where her neck would have been. Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film drew his blade back up and rested it on his shoulder, placing himself between Rin and Caster. "Rin!" Shiro, called out his attention drawn away. His opponent capitalized on this and sidestepped Shiro's guard."Aaggh!" Shiro cried as he flew across the courtyard, skidding to a halt next to Rin.

All of a sudden things looked rather grim. Three on two. "You took care of the pest?" Caster remarked with sadistic glee.

"Of course." Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film's deep voiced joined her in evil joy. "Framed for ten counts of murder. He'll never see the light of day again."

*****************************************************************************  
Elsewhere:  
"I'm telling you I was set up!" Archer protested from his position bent over the police car, his hands cuffed behind his back.

"Yeah, yeah. Tell it to the judge!" The unfazed officer replied, Forcing the counter guardian into the back of his cruiser.

Rin tensed, realizing there was no hope of success. Shiro rose to his feet beside her, realizing the same. They both could sense it. Running now would only mean Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film's blade in their backs. Shiro dropped his Snake-Sword. Or rather, it dropped of its own accord. "Gie it ay haur." It spoke over his shoulder. "Ah will hauld them aff."

Shiro clenched his fist to his chest, once again manly tears threatened to be shed. "Snake-Sword..." He muttered, not noticing the confused look that Rin was giving him. "You can't-"

"Fa th' heel dae ye thin Ah am!" Snake-Sword shouted, his booming voice silencing Shiro's protests.

Nodding, Shiro grabbed Rin's hand and turned to run. The sounds of a great Snake-Sword's last battle chased him away as tears trailed in the night air.

******************************************************************************

Shiro and Rin found themselves lost within the night, resting against each other's backs. Any praise Rin might have given Shiro was squelched by two things. First, she didn't want to encourage whatever insanity was being born within Shiro. Two, he was in a terrible mood. He hadn't talked. She knew it was hard for him, leaving Saber behind like that. Also something about his snake sword. Whatever, refer to the first reason why she wasn't going to get into the 'Snake-Sword.'

"Hey, Toshaka."

Rin turned her head slightly, "Eh?" She was surprised at the lightness of his tone. "We should go ask Illya for help." He stood up, causing her to fall off balance both from lack of support and surprise.

"Are you kidding!?" Rin exclaimed. "That bunny will bite our heads clean off! You must be crazy!"

Rather than rise to her energetic level, Shiro clenched his fist and looked at it. "Crazy ideas seem to be working really well." _Snake-Sword... I won't let your sacrifice be in vain._ "Besides, we don't know unless we try." He gave his best smile to Rin, charming into going along with his idea.

**********************************************************************

The sounds of battle emanated from within the Einzbern manner, ushering Shiro and Rin to hurry. When the two exited the hallway and hid behind the railing, their eyes found a truly breath stealing scene. Berserker, The Rabbit of Caerbannog, danced around in a blur. Dodging attack after attack, missile after missile. Knocking away any stray projectile that even approached Illya.

"Oh-hoh! You father was a sloth! And you mother was a turtle!" The assailant drew Shiro's attention. Opposite Illya and her defender stood a man in chainmail and a skullcap. His twirly mustache and accent belied him as French. With a wave of his hand an illusionary rampart formed just below him. Above and behind him, objects of all types materialized. Pots, pans, rocks, buckets, a bicycle and a shrine gong, even a few chickens and other fowl. Dropping his hand, the projectiles shot forward, once again pressing into Berserker's defense.

"Berserker!" Illya cried in fear, sensing her servant grow ever more tired.

Another annoying laugh sounded from the Frenchman. "Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh! German muck-hauler! My fort holds all projectiles! Despair you nit witted, prepubescent, smelly, rather dull baby!" Only one object materialized this time. The sphere spoke danger to Shiro. Incomprehensible danger. The cross atop the sphere was pulled by an invisible force. "One, two, five! I mean three!" The sphere shot toward Illya, only for the rabbit to intercept it.

Shiro covered his ears in pain as the earth-shattering explosion deafened everyone in the room. Ears ringing, Shiro could barely find his balance as he watched the Frenchman take a step toward the cowering Illya.

_Always, I seek the quest_.

Words were felt on the edge of Shiro's consciousness. Who?

_Forever perusing that distant dream._

The Frenchman was but a few steps from Illya, the girl fighting back tears.

_Selfishly, I seek to save._

Illya's arm was trapped by the man who took her protector's life.

_Yet never have I saved one._

His free hand reared back, his fingers straightening into a lance.

_My hands are stained with blood._

Illya stared into the eyes of the Frenchman, finding pools of depth as time stretched out.

_Yet I continue._

The hand lanced downward toward Illya's heart.

_Dramatic Maiden Rescue!_

The world changed. No longer were they in the Einzbern manner, but in a floating hall of windows. One of which shattered as Lancer flew through, holding a vine that was attached to... nothing. Swooping in, he swiped the Frenchman's prize at the last minute, continuing to swing up and away before landing on a railing that was totally there a second ago.

"Ha ha!" Lancelot cheered, stepping off the railing. "Wherever a (plot significant) maiden is threatened! I will be there!" His sword was drawn and pointed toward the fiendish Frenchman. His other arm held Illya close.

"English pig-dog! Your stupidity is below that of a pile of feces! Did your master not forbid you?!" The Frenchman was actually rather angry.

Smirking, "Of course! Even his command seals wouldn't stop me from dramatic rescue! I see now it is _you_ who are the fiends! You'll not be taking the heart of _this_ fair maiden!"

Yet rather than more anger, the Frenchman began laughing once again. "Oh-hoh-hoh-hoh. Truly, my master, the sniveling choir boy that he is would fail like this! But you are wrong!" The Frenchman removed his skullcap, locks of hair falling around him like the noble hair of a lion. "I'm French! Love is second nature to mua!" Then he smiles as the air glittered around him. To call the man pretty would be such an understatement the fabric of the universe would tear itself apart to correct the mistake. "I've already stolen her heart." Then he winked at Illya.

Quirking an eyebrow, Lancelot turned oblivious to Illya. "What!" he cried in surprise, finding her blushing and staring longingly toward the Frenchman. "You have got to be kidding me!"

With that, the Frenchman turned to walk away. It was best to transplant the grail soon. Young love waned fast after all.

******************************************************************************

Elsewhere:

"Guilty!" The gavel echoed throughout the courtroom, sealing archer's fate. "Your sentence: DEATH PENALTY!"

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Archer's cries were drowned out as he was dragged off toward the gas chamber.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

Snake-Sword lay motionless, starring up at a hundred eyes of death. While Snake-Sword's life had been short, it had been full. Even if the battle against Assassin, Caster, and her master had proven unwinnable, Snake-Sword had drawn it on long enough for Shiro to escape. That would be enough. Now, beaten and bruised, Snake sword lay starring up at crows. Caster hadn't even had the decency to finish the job, just using that damned word of power of hers to disable her opponent. Not that it mattered really, with these limbs Snake sword had no way of even trying to move. How the hell was a Snake supposed to walk? This damned body couldn't even slither properly.

The crows above took flight, signaling Snake-Sword's end. "Partna..."

**************************************************************************

Shiro turned his head to the night air, looking for a voice he didn't so much hear as felt. "Shiro?" Rin questioned the boy.

Looking over to a dubiously worried Rin, Shiro shook his head, "It's nothing..." Rin gave Shiro one more curious look before turning to Archer, her expression souring as she did. "Where the hell have you been?! We could have really used you!" The red clad bowman shifted nervously before his standard excuses only served to annoy Rin further. Sighing, Rin gave up, "Regardless, you're here now. Maybe you know how we can deal with this?" She gestured to a still love struck Illya trying to wander away only for Lancer to pick her up by the collar and try to get her to sit still.

Lancelot was doing the best he could. "Milady please. That fiend only wishes to use you." Illya merely looked to him half dumb before smiling, getting up, and wandering away again.

"Tis the Curse of the French." A new voice joined those assembled outside the Einzbern Manor. Rider walked forward out of the night, sword sheathed.

Rin readied for battle on instinct, but Shiro held a hand out to stop her. "He's a friend... I think." Rider had helped him before, but he was not sure why.

Bedivere nodded. "Correct. With my master's old annoyances dealt with, you no longer need fear me. In fact I am to do two things. I quote: 'Protect Shiro-senpai' and 'Don't die.'" Shiro tilted his head, confused. Rider merely dismissed the unasked questions with a wave of his hand. "Regardless, what matters now are Caster and her Cohorts."

Not to be ignored, Rin interjected, "And what about the Frenchman? And Lancer?" With the second name Rin looked to the Heroic Servant turned nanny.

Rider shook his head. "I have reason to believe that the Frenchman and Caster are in cahoots." At Rin's surprise, Rider gestured to Illya. "She's walking toward the Shrine." Realization dawned on the others as Shiro, Rin and Archer turned to the girl in shock. Indeed, each wandering was precisely toward the Shrine. "Beyond that... no, it would be best for you to see, and time is of the essence." Turning, rider began to leave.

"What about those two?" Shiro asked, worried over the young girl more than Lancer.

Bedivere looked to Lancer briefly, and then shook his head. "Its best we leave them be. Unless we can defeat the Frenchman, the girl will remain like that. As for Lancelot?" Rider paused and smiled. "As long as that man is protecting a maiden, his will can't be bent. I fear if we forced him from his duty, he'd become out enemy." Not bothering to press the issue, Rin agreed. Lancer's master was definitely an enemy, it would be best to deal with him rather than his nullified servant. Signaling Archer to follow, the four left the Einzbern manor.

****************************************************************************

Fuyuki had changed in their absence. No, not change. It had been overrun. Foliage, trees and plants of all types had taken over the city. Growing from streets and buildings, through concrete and wood alike. "This is chaos..." Rin muttered as she passed another unconscious civilian, his mana being drained.

Rider stopped abruptly and turned. "No, not chaos. Look closely for the order in it." Indeed, the more Rin looked, the more she could see a strange order to the plants. "It's a shrubbery. Caster is turning the city into a massive shrubbery." His voice was tense with frightened anger.

Anger Rin could not fathom to share. "Wait... what? A shrubbery?"

Rider whirled. "The only thing more dangerous than a witch with the untapped chaotic power of the wilds is a witch with the untapped ordered power of the wilds." Rin took a step back under the intensity of the man, only to nearly fall as she saw Shiro nodding in understanding.

"Makes sense." Shiro nodded in confirmation.

"No it doesn't!" Rin objected in anger, barely restraining the urge to snake Shiro upside the head in an attempt to reboot his brain. Turning to Archer for support, she found the man carefully avoiding eye contact. "Ugh..." Rin deflated. Shrubbery or not, Caster was draining a prodigious amount of mana. "Wait, what could she possibly need this much mana for?" Rin realized.

Once again, Rider turned to look toward the Shrine on the mountain. "With Berserker defeated and Lancer nullified, all that is left are us, and the servants on their side. If caster can complete that Shrubbery, she could simply level the city in one swoop, eliminating all her competition."

Rin missed a step. Destroy the city?! That was insane! Oh Shit! That was insane enough to work for these logic defying servants! "Then all we have to do is stop them right?" Shiro lighthearted statement wrenched Rin's attention to him. One fist clenched, he grinned in determination. "We can do it."

Sighing, Rin shook her head, "Idiot." Lifting her head, she nodded against her better judgment. "If we don't we are dead anyways. Archer?" Rin looked to her servant and received a confirming nod. "So did you have a plan mister no-it-all?" Rin asked Rider with a hint of incredulity.

Rider smiled, abashed and totally missing the sarcasm. "I may be skilled in the ways of science, but I wouldn't say I know everything." Rin's eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Still, I did have a plan. First we should try to free Saber. Her noble phantasm is probably the only thing capable of destroying the core of the shrubbery. I suggest you two take the front gate while the young lad and I take the skyward approach on my mount. A pincer attack would be most effective."

Eyes twitching, Rin recalled Rider's mount... "Oh yes!" She replied sarcastically, "I forgot the marvelous flying properties of coconuts!"

"Her name is Coco actually." Rider corrected. Rin tensed, but was interrupted, "Here, let me show you." A blast of manna heralded Rider summoning his noble phantasm. "Coco!" His voice echoed with power and in a great flash... a grimy looking peasant was summoned.

Annoyed rage swam within Rin as Rider stepped onto an imaginary mount. "Amazing..." Shiro whispered. Oh god no... Had he finally converted completely? Rin fearfully looked to Shiro and found what she feared.

Stars in his eyes, Shiro starred upon the mount with awe. Before him Rider stood astride the most noble, beautiful, regal horse sized sparrow Shiro had ever seen. Turning to Shiro, Coco's eyes locked to his and the avian opened her beak. The sound of coconut clops greeted Shiro in a soothing bird call. "Such an amazing animal. Where is she from?" Shiro reached out to stroke the horse sized bird.

Rider himself did not notice the half dead Rin as he replied to the boy. "Africa actually, carrying me in full armor would be too much for a European." Shiro nodded, it was a wise choice indeed. "Come aboard then." Rider's hand gripped Shiro's and pulled him up into the saddle. "We are off! As soon as their gate guard engages you, we'll make our move." With that, Coco took to the skies soaring high and fast with her two riders safely aboard.

Rin watched Shiro dry hump a knight as they skipped away into the night with a peasant close behind. "Archer?"

"Yes Rin."

"If I ever become like that, kill me." A command seal flashed as it was used.

"By your order my master."

********************************************************************************

Far above the shrine Shiro and Rider circled on Coco. With his eyes reinforced, Shiro could see Rin and Archer making their way up the steps to the Shrine. "Now." He called over the wind to Rider. With a nod, Rider pulled Coco into a steep dive, rocketing downward toward the shrine below while the enemies' attention was sure to be on other intruders. Down below, Shiro spied his target. Saber-Newt was bound in foliage to the largest tree he had ever seen. The tree itself had grown in a twisted menagerie of limbs that split apart than curved inward before continuing upward forming a protective cage around Caster, who stood within. The woman shown with power as she focused on governing the massive shrubbery.

At the last second Coco's wings expanded. Shiro didn't waste time, catapulting off the still landing bird he hit the ground in a roll and kept running. No enemies around, good. Shiro charged for Saber-Newt and mutely heard a panicked yell of warning from Caster above. It would do no good, this infiltration was successful. Skidding to a halt Shiro reached the tree, reached out, and closed his hand around the tiny Saber-Newt.

With one careful wrench he pulled the lizard free, torn vines falling in its wake. "Saber..." Shiro whispered with relief as he cradled the Newt.

A soft golden glow emanated from Saber-Newt and slowly it expanded. With a glimmer, the soft light disappeared to reveal a weak, empty eyes Saber. "Saber..." Shiro spoke her name again.

"Shiro?" She questioned, her eyes locking onto his. Worry filled her vision before it was snuffed out.

Saber's eyes faded into emptiness. Something was wrong. "Saber?! Sabe- Ughk!" Shiro gasped as a wind cloaked sword jutted into his gut. Cackling laughter sounded across the courtyard as Shiro was tossed aside like a rag-doll. He hit the ground with a thump and blood began to pool around him.

"Oh this is excellent! You are here as well Bedivere! Kill him Saber! This shall be the perfect revenge!" Cackling laughter continued to hammer into Shiro's ears.

Bedivere halted his hurried run to Shiro as his former liege stepped between them, her eyes cold with emptiness. Caster had taken her mind, he was too late. He readied himself to fight. "Witch, the shell of my former liege is no match for me, you must know this." he steeled himself to kill Saber, knowing it was what she would want.

"Then it's a good thing we won't be fighting fair." An amused, deep voice sounded from behind him. Turning, Bedivere found himself flanked by Assassin. "You!" He uttered in surprise. "Then-"

Rin reached the top of the stairs. "Watch out for Assassin! The one guarding the gate is the Frenchma- Shiro!" She called out in fear as her eyes fell on her schoolmate. The boy was bringing himself up with one arm as the other clutched his bleeding belly. She was by him in a heartbeat, but he shrugged off her help, rising on his own power.

"Rider, take care of Assassin, Rin and I will stop Saber." Shiro commanded. He would save Saber, that was a promise.

"Oh?" Caster spoke from her place above? "Still strong enough to resist dealing a fatal blow? I'll give you some credit Arthur. Still, kill the boy. Cut his head off this time." Saber turned to Shiro, and the die was cast.

With inhuman strength, Saber rocketed toward Rin and Shiro. "Trace, on!" A bokken appeared in Shiro's hands and intercepted Excalibur. The shattering of summoned wood was barely enough to divert the lethal strike. Yet before a follow up could be made, Rin stepped in with a gem charged punch. The fist collided with Sabers armor, sending the servant sliding back but relatively unharmed.

Taking a stance next to Shiro, Rin spoke low. "She's resisting, there is no way my magic could get through her magic resistance if she wasn't."

Shiro nodded, "I noticed it too. We can still save her."

******************************************************************************

Across the courtyard bladed met blade as Bedivere and Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film tested each other's defenses. Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film struck, was parried, and then feinted in the ever evolving mind game of blades. "So, you figured it out did you?"

Bedivere nodded, "Yes, but I do not understand the why of it, my former comrade." Metal rang three times as he blocked Assassin's combo.

A chuckle escaped Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film as he pressed harder. "You don't get it; I was never on your side. The witch hired me before you even met me!"

"Ah, I had not expected that." Bedivere stepped in and thrusted, forcing Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film to jump away. "Even still, I forgive you."

Stunned anger filled Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film, "What?!" A sneer crossed his face. "You! Do you think yourself a saint! You bastard!" Losing his cool he charged and rained a barrage of blows down upon his opponent.

Bedivere blocked one, two, and then three more blows before stepping around to his opponent's foolish attack. Blade met flesh as Bedivere clipped Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film's face. Another sliced into the knight's arm, drawing a gout of blood. "Not really. I just knew that not caring about your previous tantrum would unnerve you enough to give me the advantage." With a flourish, Bedivere took his stance.

"Tantrum! I'll show you!" Mana poured out of Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film as he readied his noble phantasm. "Prepare to die! NAME ADJUSTMENT! SIR-NOT-APPEARING-IN-THIS-FANFIC!" Then he was gone.

Furrowing his brow, Bedivere looked for his opponent. For any sign of his opponent. Where was- A cut appeared on Bedivere's face and a blade sliced into his arm. Stumbling forward, Rider looked for his unseen opponent. A low laugh came from everywhere and nowhere. "Now we are even, I hope you are ready for your death." Bedivere grit his teeth. Help would be really useful right now. With Rin and Shiro struggling as they were, only Archer was any hope, and with the Frenchman... that was probably not going to happen.

***************************************************************************

Blade met crate down below on the steps leading to the great shrine. "Your forgeries wouldn't fool a blind man whom had never even held a sword before. The lowliest filth is far too great a wielder for the pitiful fakes you spew from you anus! You frumpy, disgusting-" Archer once again ignored his opponent, focusing more on dodging the furious projectiles of the other archer and responding in kind. The air was full of swords piercing and shattering against objects of all size and shape. What few managed to reach the Frenchman shattered harmlessly on the transparent stone wall around him. "Hoh ho! You dimwitted dolt of a mind knows no bounds. Your childish recreations have no chance of Piercing the Castle of Auuuughhhh..." Archer ignored that last part.

Archer landed and dodged again. There was only one way of winning this. "I am the bone of my sword..."

**************************************************************************************

Shiro's bokken shattered under another slash from Saber. Without thought he summoned another and it shattered almost immediately. Rin jumped in, hand coming in a jab up only for it to be caught by Saber's free hand. With a mighty pull, she launched Rin far across the courtyard and into a building, with a clash the roof caved and Rin fell through in a cloud of debris. Battered and bruised, Rin barely found her feat. "I'm not sure about this..." The voice of Caster's Master echoed down the hallway, snapping Rin alert.

Hurriedly, she followed it. Killing him could end everything. "Oh?" A new voice replied. The Fake-Priest?! Rin recognized Kotomine's voice with shock. "You'll continue if you wish for Archer to continue to aid you. Isn't that Heroic spirit a good trade for your time?"

Rin leaned against the wall next to an open door. They were inside. "Very well..." Kuzuki replied with reservation in his voice.

Leaping into action, Rin whirled around the corner. "Then let the spanking commence!" The cheers of twenty nuns and one fake priest in a nun outfit assaulted Rin's ears. Said nuns and fake priest were all tied to beds with only Caster's master free, standing there with a paddle and extreme reservations.

"Eh?" Rin stuttered.

Spank! "Kyaaa~!" Kotomine cried out.

Nope... Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope.

Rin left. She left the building. She left the Shrine. She left Fuyuki. Then she hopped on a goddam airplane and flew to London.

Nope.

****************************************************************************************

With Rin out of combat Shiro was quickly defeated and knocked to the ground. Struggling with his wound, Shiro looked up to see Saber raise her sword. A quick glance revealed a struggling Rider and Archer nowhere in sight. No, Shiro teared up, trying to find any strength. He had to save her. He had to save everyone! Saber raised her sword. Excalibur came down, but halted just before Shiro's neck. Eyes widening, Shiro's eyes locked on the hand holding Saber's wrist and stopping the swordwoman's killing blow. Clad in only a scaled bikini, an unknown green haired woman locked eyes with Saber. "Git awa' frae mah Partna." The woman's fist impacted Saber and caved her armor inward, launching the brainwashed Servant away like a missile. With a massive crack, Saber rebounded off Caster's Shrubbery core and landed, barely managing to keep her feet under her.

"You!" Caster called out in anger. "How could you possibly?!"

"Who are you?" Shiro spoke as he pulled himself to his feet. Who was this beautiful woman who had saved him?

Grinning, the woman rapped Shiro on the skull as one would knock on a door. "Fa th' heel dae ye thin Ah am."

Stunned, Shiro realized. "Snake-Sword?" She was alive?! Joy and hope filled Shiro's waning heart.

"Aye Partna." With a smile, Snake-Sword-Woman nodded. "Th' girlie," She jutted her thumb to Caster, still locked in her ritual. "Skelp me wi' her spell. Since it's a reptile tae human spell 'n' ah wis awready a snake. Ah guess it hud some od side effects." She left out the fact she had spent her time since the wallowing around assuming she was a harmless lizard. Really, limbs all looked the same. How was she supposed to know the difference between human limbs and newt limbs!? With Saber reading to attack again and her partner obviously unable to fight, Snake-Sword-Woman pushed the boy onto his ass. "Sit 'ere. Ah git this." Not having any strength left, Shiro wasn't able to stop Snake-Sword-Woman from charging to meet Saber head on.

*****************************************************************************

"So as I pray. Unlimited Blade Works." Archer cursed as Archer's world took over. Then he cursed some more just for good measure.

Cursing or no, Archer let loose a torrent of blades. Blades that were met in kind by a torrent of everything else. Objects and sword alike littered the battlefield as the two titans of missiles were equaled by the other. Yet in this stalemate, the Frenchman smirked. "You addle-minded buffoon! Mah Supplah is endless! Your's is only as large as your piss poor puddle you call your mana! Hoh ho ho!"

Gritting his teeth, Archer knew the Frenchman was right. Still, he would not lose. If he couldn't beat this Frenchman blow for blow. All he had to do was stop defending.

A reserved smirk formed on Archer's lips. Confusion entered the Frenchman as their eyes met. "What are you?" Noble phantasm's formed around archer, motionless. Mana poured into them, filling them past the breaking point. The Frenchman pressed his advantage, launching everything at Archer. Yet no blades were raised in the counter-guardian's defense. A railroad spike impacted archer's chest, then chicken crashed into his face. Yet the man held firm. "No no no!" The Frenchman cried, his onslaught crashing down upon Archer. Then, just before a massive rabbit made out of wood flattened Archer, he released. Seven broken phantasms pierced through the Castle of Auuuughhhh... and crashed into the Frenchman. "You yellow belli-"

The resounding explosion of power destroyed the Frenchman before he could finish his final curse. World dissolving, only the dead Archer remained.

******************************************************************************

Bedivere had more blood on him than he cared to admit. Still, he couldn't give up just yet. "Finished? Rider?" Assassin chuckled. "Give it up." His voice called from nowhere. A smile crossed Bedivere's face. This would be it, all or nothing. Lowering his arms, he dropped his sword. The blade dissolved into light along with Rider's armor. Revealing only an orange jumpsuit on the once proud looking knight. "Oh? Then I'll be kind enough to finish it."

A blade pierced flesh, but it wasn't riders. Appearing in a haze of mana, the stunned looking Assassin stumbled back, clutching a shiv made of soap stuck in his neck. No strength left to follow; Bedivere merely stood and looked at the man who had framed him. "It's Ironic. The noble phantasm that allowed me to sense you I only have because of you." The confused, fearful look from Sir-not-appearing-in-this-fanfic spurred the wounded Rider on. "I spent years in that prison. I learned how to sense any attack coming. It was a battle of stealth and one always remembered. Don't Drop The Soap."

His Opponent dissolved into mana, and Rider fell on his face, his wounds overcoming him. "Sorry Sakura, I might have trouble with that order of yours..."

*******************************************************************************

Fist met blade and held firm against all logic. Again and again Snake-Sword-Woman met Saber blow for blow. And with each blow the King of Britain was pushed back. It wasn't much, but a slight resistance here, a delayed strike there. The resisting Saber within was the edge Snake-Sword-Woman needed to win. "Ha!" A massive hay-maker slammed into Saber and sent her flying. Deep, labored breathes escaped the exhausted Snake-Sword-Woman. When Saber didn't rise, she thanked her lucky stars. She barely had any strength left. Looking around, she realized the fighting had stopped. Bodies lay everywhere, the only conscious one being her partner. Ha! ha ha! They had done it! "Hey Partna we-"

"Zap!"

Now human, the word of power had the intended effect on Snake-Sword-Woman-Newt. Flopping to the ground, she landed in a heap and struggled to move. Damn it, these limbs worked completely differently! How the hell was she supposed to learn to walk, AGAIN? "You forgot about someone." Caster spoke, walking up to the flopping Snake-Sword-Woman-Newt. Really, rituals could be paused; it just took a little time.

The bloodied read-head crawled toward his comrade. Caster sneered. This would show him to interrupt her plans. She would win this war right here, right now. Raising her foot, she readied to crush the annoyance of a newt bellow her. She wouldn't make the same mistake twice.

"Wait!" Shiro called out. He knew there was no help coming. It was far too long into the chapter for Archer to still be alive. "You shouldn't do that yet. In fact you should really consider not doing it. There are several points I could make that would deter you. For one I could tell you that stepping on a newt is gross. Not that I've done it mind you but I can only assume."

Caster hesitated out of surprise, "What-"

"One could even say that newt is possibly an endangered species. You can't be sure have you looked it up yet? The fines can be steep and if you get PETA on your ass it'll be a nightmare. Besides maybe you should consider the morality of the situation. You already impersonated a God and tried to impersonate another. That could be really bad for your karma. You really need every little scrap you can get!"

"Why are you-?"

Shiro cut Caster off, "Ah I see you are managing to figure out that I am stalling for time. You would be correct that stalling is what I am currently attempting and succeeding at doing. You see as long as I keep talking he has to keep typing. And long as he is typing my words he can't type you stepping on Snake-Sword-Woman-Newt. This chapter has already drawn on longer than usual and the Author fingers are getting tired. Plus dinner is probably soon and he needs to go and make it. He has nothing prepared so it might end up being a frozen meal if he's lazy but t he should really consider the benefits of a home cooked balanced dinner despite the labor it takes to make one! But more to the point yes I am stalling so the chapter will end soon."

"But why?" Cast barely managed, bewildered.

"Isn't it obvious?"

A/N: Whew, long one. One more to go. Imma go make dinner. For those interested, the next chapter of Unforeseen Consequences is done and in the proofreading stage.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"Isn't it obvious?" Shiro's words baffled Caster, causing to wonder just how much logic suffered in this future.

Furrowing her brow she replied, "No, no it's n-"

Caster became aware of Caladbolg II just as it pierced her heart. Dumbly the woman looked to the noble phantasm jutting out of her as she fell to the ground. Even as she faded into prana she struggled to understand where the weapon had come from. "I get better each chapter, witch." Archer strode across the courtyard unscathed, the only combatant even close to healthy. He stopped next to Shiro and looked down upon his former self. He had come with the intention of killing Shiro before he could fail on his impossible path and be betrayed by his ideals, but that had changed. "Shiro," Archer spoke with reservation, "My perception of the world has always been skewed. It was twisted again by an encounter with those who defy the world's logic." Even as beaten as he was, Shiro looked on, trying to piece together Archer's words. "Just like you are I embraced that new perception and used to it become a hero, but in my haste to accomplish the insane I allowed myself to be tricked into an impossible goal." Archer's fists clenched and he strode to the massive tree before him. "But that changes now. This tree is definitely the largest tree in the world! And I will cut it down!" Mana swelled within Archer. He grinned snidely, only after death was he given the chance to complete his quest.

An image of his weapon formed within his mind. Every ounce of his soul poured into it, filling it with power. Golden light formed within Archer's hand, expanding into a massive weapon nearly twice his size. Holding it above his head, Archer called out his greatest attack's name, "Grand Herring Blade Works!" The massive herring burst to life, held firm within Archer's hand. "HAAAAA!" Archer raged, bringing the living blade against the tree.

Bark and wood were rent apart, exploding with the power within. Yet despite the groans of the overgrown tree, Archer's blade pressed on, slicing though the wood like a knife through warm butter. Moonlight glistened off the Herring's scales, dancing in the night as Shiro looked on. The groan of wood echoed into the sky, heralding the slow fall of the grand tree. Archer turned and walked away, not even waiting to see the great tree land with a thunderous clash. No, he was a hero and there was still an enemy to defeat. "Get up everyone, the grail lies within there." He pointed his massive herring to the main building.

Saber pulled herself up, noting Rider and Shiro struggling up as well. "I can feel it too. The grail is twisted, not right." Mutely Saber dragged her ahoge off the ground and placed it atop her head. Shiro himself retrieved Snake-Sword-Woman-Newt and flared his mana into her. A slight cracking sound heralded a broken enchantment and a flash of light revealed Snake-Sword once again in Snake-Sword form.

As wounded as he was, Rider could not lie down and rest. He refused to fail Sakura. "Milord," He spoke to Arturia, "You don't think it is as Galahad said, do you?"

A somber nod was returned to Bedivere. "Indeed, we were not summoned by the grail, but by its twisted replication. The Grail Beacon." The four combatants steeled themselves at the terrible revelation and far away aboard a plane Rin shuddered, as she sensed logic's pain. Damn, the pilot needed to speed up!

The somber silence was greeted by a slow clap dancing on the night air. Kotomine Kirei exited the building in a nun's habit." Very good Saber," With a wince he rubbed his butt, then smiled oddly. Behind him Caster's former Master exited, his hollow eyes pleading as he mouthed '_kill me._' "Indeed, the grail was destroyed in the last war so a replacement was used. Twisted as it was it still could be used for my purposes." A great grin spread across his face. "With all your petty flailing you failed to realize Caster was draining her collected power into it while I was twisting it further!" He laughed harder, mad with victory. "Now it is ready! Behold as I release it upon mankind!" He cried out, raising two extension cords.

Saber stepped forward, "Madman! Think about what you are doing!" They needed to stop this man, but there was no way to reach him in time!

Kirei only smiled all the more, now for his wish! "Great Grail! I wish the greatest of pain upon all mankind!" Twisted as he was, Kirei could find only pleasure in pain. So when that twisted heart mad a wish of pain for all upon a twisted grail there was only one possible result. Every ounce of power flooded from the grail into Kotomine, filling him, transforming him. His meager human flesh was torn away leaving an avatar of pure power. The four petty beings before him faltered before his palpable godhood! Looking down at his new body Kotomine smiled. There was no flesh, only a dark incarnation of pure mana with a single purpose. "Now I shall spank all mankind!" His power flared with his glee.

Damn it! Saber looked to her companions, only Archer was in any real fighting condition but even his eyes were filled with panic. "Hold fast friends. Together we can triumph." Her words of courage filled the men around her, steeling them. The battle may be suicide, but they would lay everything on the line. "Hold it right there!" A new voice joined the group. All eyes whipped to the stairs where a man strode forward, glaring at Kotomine.

The newcomer's uniform was crisp and ordered. His boots were properly polished and the hat upon his hair covered a proper haircut. Officer Ushida was the perfect Japanese police officer, and he had his side-arm leveled at Kotomine. "Hands above your head, on your knees!" With his free hand Officer Ushida withdrew his handcuffs. "You are under arrest!"

"Please, don't shoot!" Kotomine paled and got on his knees, arms held above his head. "I'm innocent!" Even as Kotomine pleaded Ushida just rolled his eyes and cuffed the perp.

Wrenching the glowing incarnation of dark spanking to his feet, Ushida forced him towards the stairs. Getting to his patrol car would be quite the walk. "Tell it to the judge, I _heard _your confession and I've got four witnesses here to back it up." Whipping his head to the four, Ushida jerked his head back, gesturing for them to follow. "You all come along as well; I'll take your statements at the station." Ushida was kind enough to ignore the vast amount of nervous sweat on the two armored witnesses. Obviously former offenders. He'd have to check in with their parole officers.

* * *

"I hereby sentence you to thirty years hard time." The judge's gavel signaled the end of the months long ordeal. Kotomine was hauled off, hopefully the last time Shiro would have to see him. Tugging at his tie Shiro exited the courtroom flanked by two women.

Green hair whipping in the wind, Snake-sword bit into a lemon and strutted along loosely in stark contrast to the measured steps of Saber. Her mouth puckered as the sour fruit invaded her senses. Mutely she wished there was another way to sustain her besides constant lemons. But things could be worse for the spell turned sentient being. "Sir Shiro," Snake-sword idly looked to the approaching Bedivere. Archer flanked the man, obviously uncomfortable in the formal suit. "Tis good to be done with this mess. Perhaps celebration is in order."

Shiro nodded in agreement, cooking a feast was just the kind of reprieve he deserved. "Bring your master you two." Bedivere nodded along and fell into small talk, Archer just merely looked away annoyed. How he had been convinced to contract with Sakura was still beyond him, but with Rin having run away it was that or fade away. Idly, Archer wished Rin had found what she was looking for.

* * *

Indeed, Rin sat calmly and sipped her tea outside her favorite tea house. London was cultured, sensible, filled with likeminded researchers of the Arcane Arts. But most of all, it was free of those terrible, terrible abusers of logic. Poor logic. Rin smiled and sighed out a blissful breath. A faint melody lulled across her senses.

Even the air here was filled with pleasing music. Rin listened to what must be a local minstrel. "..ir Robin." She just barely caught a word of it as the minstrel's voice grew louder. A song about birds? How lovely and normal. Rin listened as the music grew louder. "Brave Brave Sir Robin!" The minstrel chanted. "Brought as an assassin, fought as a hen! When ordered out, he ran like a lout! Brave Brave Brave, Brave Sir Robin!"

Rin leaned forward, the shadow of fear creeping into her heart. Across the street a man skipped along on an imaginary horse. A pack of grubby looking peasants following in his wake. One banged two coconut halves together.

No.

Annoyed, Sir Robin, True Assassin, protested. "I didn't!" Really, his master ordered him out of the room, if Robin took that order to a minor extreme there was no problem.

Regardless of his protests, the unfaltering music continued. Glass shattered on the floor at Rin's feet. Even at the sound of it she didn't take note she had dropped her drink. "NOOOOOOOooooooooo!" She was on her knees, screaming to the sky above. She was supposed to be free! Robin quirked an eyebrow and looked across the street. Really, foreign girls were just so weird.

* * *

End

So there you go, the last chapter in my little foray into FSN crack. Hope you all enjoyed it! Yeah its really short but I just ran out of steam. I figured use the few good jokes I had left rather than pad it out with bad ones. Plus I got to do the hole meta joke. Monty Python ended with a cut short final battle and my fic ended with a cut short final chapter. Sucks for you but I'm smiling.

Anyways, I'd like to know which chapter was everyone's favorite and least favorite. If you are going to review please drop that little tidbit so I can refine my humor. Much appreciated!


End file.
